That was an echo, btw.
I guess I can post anything on here because livejournal was soooo ten years ago. My Friends' page has zero recent entries. I can't even figure out how to go back and find newer older ones. The internet shows us the past. What I was thinking, feeling, what my personality was like, how I felt inside vs how I portrayed myself. What my friends were doing, what was important to them...Some of their entries with my name in them that I read tens of times and a jumble of words actually changed my life. Teenage years and lost loves. Naivety. SO much of that. I miss all this. There used to be a closeness between us. Everyone's journal I read was an actual real-life friend of mine. I saw you all on a daily basis. I loved you. These entries forged and broke and molded our relationships. We talked on the phone and showed up unannounced, we had our meet-up spots. We used usernames instead of our real names. We knew everyone's phone number, and AIM screen names. I am nostalgic.
Mon, Aug. 1st, 2005, 03:41 pm
comment to be added
Sun, Jul. 31st, 2005, 10:02 pm
my dad died today.
Wed, Jun. 29th, 2005, 05:55 pm
just got back from being at the hospital for 11 hours. so my dad had surgery today, and it was supposed to take about 6 hours. there was going to be a little operation, and then the bigger one that removed what they could of the tumor in his throat. after the first operation (2 hours) the surgeon brought us (nanny, grampy, 3 uncles, 2 aunts, my grandmother on my mom's side, and my mom and I) to a room to talk to us about progress or whatever, and he said that he wasn't going to do the larger operation because it would be pointless because in the little operation they found cancer completely on the inside of his abdomen. so they're pretty much adding to his pain medication because that's all they can do from here on out. (the surgeon mentioned that more chemo could be done but there's no way my dad is going to agree to go through that again.)
so that was my day. if you IM me about it I'll kill you.
Wed, Mar. 9th, 2005, 06:42 pm
up to date.
so, now that I know all the details, I might as well explain what's been going on for a few weeks now.
since July, my dad has been having a lot of problems with his chest, and they figured out that he had a hiatal hyrnia. then a few months later, there were more problems, and they said he had acid reflux. in january, he couldn't eat, because food just wouldn't go down. since then, he's been living off of liquid. anyway, he went to the doctor about 984276 times, and he found out that he had esophogial cancer. this cancer is really rare, and has the 2nd smallest cure rate of 10%.
since then, he's had cat scans, pet scans, and more "lost" data than we'd like to be dealing with (fucking doctors) at this time. anyway, his cat scan said that he had cancer, duh, but they couldn't tell what stage it was in (1 being the best, 4 being the worst). they saw that his lymph nodes were inflamed (which is really bad), but they didn't know whether it was because they were producing white blood cells to counter the cancer (which is good), or if the inflammation IS cancer (which means they can't cure him). then he had a pet scan, and they lost the fucking data, so he had to drive into Boston to get shit sorted out. he got the hard copy of the pictures, but they lost the disk with the 3-D images on it, so no one can "officially" analyze it. fuckers. anyway, so he took the pictures to a cancer specialist, and he's seen enough pictures to be able to accurately analyze them. he said that the best case scenario is that it's phase 3, meaning that the cancer is through all the tissues of the esophagus, and took over his lymph nodes. and that's the best case scanario. they said that all the 3-D image will do is confirm that or make it worse. the disk won't make the situation better.
their origional plan was to give him 5 weeks of radiation therapy 5 days a week, and once or twice a week give him chemotherapy starting in like...3 weeks. however, because of how bad it is, they want to give him an 8 hour session of chemo this friday. so my brother and I have been cleaning like crazy, and he's going to be here a lot more often to help out. chemo is going to shut down his immune system and make him weak as a kitten (in the procedure they literally poison you until you're about to die, then bring you back and hope that it kills the cancer cells...you can go blind, deaf, etc, and all the damage done is irreversable). anyway, the 8 hr chemo will happen every 3 weeks or so, with 6 or 7 day radiation therapy. after 8 weeks or so, they're going to see if surgery will help. if surgery won't help, he'll have about 6 weeks to live, and if they can operate, he can be up to 1.5-2 years cancer free, but then he'll start dying of cancer again, and they won't be able to do anything. at the absolute most, he's going to live 5 years, and at the least, he could die really really soon.
so anyway, this sucks. he told us when we were at my brother's house a few weeks ago. I was going to spend the weekend and a few days there, and they were just going to go home.I was sitting inbetween my brother and his girlfriend on the couch. my brother was behind me, but I could hear him start to convulsively cry. this sucks for him a lot too (duh) because his mom died of cancer when he was about 7. mainly, my dad does everything around the house, I help him with most things like dishes and cleaning, but now I'm going to be doing everything, except when my brother is home, and I'm going to need to keep up with schoolwork. ugh, and I thought I was already stressed out. not to mention that my mother has really bad MS so she analyzes and reacts to situations like a child would, and can't think like an adult anymore, which makes her abnoxious, but she can't help it, and I usually feel like I'm her mother and I'm babysitting her to make sure she's not doing stupid things like sticking her fingers in the rat cage or knocking things over.
so my brother just sent me this email...
Here are some links on home stuff. I am sure they'll
give us info for when dad gets out of the hospital,
but we are best off prepared ahead of time.
Nothing too earthshattering here, and the links are
more for bone marrow transplants, but the specifics
are generally the same.
Basically, a clean house to prevent infection from
his weakened immune system.
We'll also have to keep the pets really clean and
out of the way, litterbox, hair, etc.
Biggest things will be clean bathroom and kitchen,
washing all dishes after use so that we keep away
I'll also bring another air purifier to help clean
I am speaking prematurely, but if dad is going to be
bedridden, we are going to need to clean their room as
well, so that we can have guests, prevent an obstacle
course from occurring. Chemo patients bruise easily
as well, so we can't have him tripping or falling
down, plus we will need to get around and all.
Don't mention this to him, we can wait until he's in
the hospital, and I'll be there to figure out what to
do. It's a delicate matter when we start having to
invade someone's personal space, especially dad's!
And he'll probably be stubborn about all of this
stuff, saying we are going to too much trouble and
such, but the shit needs to get done, and we are doing
it for him.
I'll talk to him tonight and see what he is thinking
about going in on Friday. Talk to you later, call me
if you have any questions or need to talk
so, my brother is going to keep me sane throughout all of this, I'm sooooo so glad that I don't have to deal with all of this all on my own, and that he'll be here pretty much every weekend from now on...but it also means that he'll bitch at me more for not practicing, for not cleaning as much as I should, for not being forceful with dad to drink his juice that we make for him (with these NASTY liquid vitamins, which sucks, but he needs to suck it up and drink it), and he'll always stop on nasty shows that cut people open when he's flipping channels. grr. and he hoggs the computer and fucks up all my settings! and since his room is next to mine he'll yell at me to turn my music down or stop singing...I think I'll buy a rap CD just to scare him and drive him crazy :) but he'll counter that by blasting Meshuggah.
anyway, this should explain why I've been snapping at people for NO reason (this means you, Emily), and have been having the worst mood swings ever, irritability and all. it's just because I'm stressed, and haven't been getting much sleep.
oh, and all this chemo and radiation therapy means that I'll be driving my dad to and from the hospital, which will suck for both of us, because it means me driving in worcester, and him practically having a heart attack because I can't drive in worcester...haha. crap.
hearts, stars, and horseshoes...